New format today, let me know if this is better/easier on your eyeballs/more coherent.
Opening. Abyss is dragging Dixie around backstage. They're handcuffed together. He's got Janice and other weaponry on his shoulder. She's screaming for someone to call security. They make it to the front of the IMPACT zone. Abyss is yelling about THEM again. His other weapon (a big metal-wrapped stick) is named Bob. Bischoff and security comes to the rescue. At the coercing of Bisch and Co, Abyss unhandcuffs Dixie. Her husband, some guy anyway, runs off with her. Bisch steps into the ring. Sting's music hits. Sting is joined by Nash and Pope.
Pope's on the mic. He thinks about retracting his "son of a Bischoff" comment. Said Abyss was not the smartest monster under the bed. The walls are coming down on 10-10-10. (Is Jericho coming to TNA? xD) Bischoff and Pope are going back and forth. Bisch says Pope doesn't know what's going on. I don't think anybody knows what's going on. I know I sure don't.
Jarrett and Joe run out to join the fray. Bisch says "No, I got this." Video package of Hulk in the hospital. Showing the surgery. No thank you. Bisch reiterates the fact Hulk's had eight surgeries since February. Bisch decides to make a handicap match for BFG. Joe and Jarret vs. Sting, Nash and Pope.
Camera cuts to outside, runs up to a black car. It's Mickie James!
BFG setup video package with Kurt, Anderson and Jeff Hardy talking about the upcoming and previous matches.
Now we cut to Team 3D in New York, earlier in the week. New York mothertrucking city. Team 3D announces that they will make an announcement at BFG that will change the history of tag team wrestling forever.
Back to the Impact zone, where Madison Rayne and Tara walk out, followed shortly by Velvet and Angelina Love. First match of the evening starts at 9:29.
Fairly decent back and forth with an interspersing of high-pitched squeaking. Ms. Tessmacher comes out to observe and is taking notes on the match. Love and Velvet get the win. Match lasted all of three minutes. Apparently this was for the rights to The Beautiful People music and what-have-you.
Tessmacher on the mic. The crowd is what-ing her. She's making a four-way match for the Knockout title. She assigns a special guest referee, none other than Mickie James. Who is looking utterly gorgeous, by the way. Mickie of course talks some shit about getting the title. I hope she does. Let's get this women's division back to a decent state.
Mick Foley pimping out his new book. Talking about his match with Ric Flair and how he will be the last one standing. Of course. Oh geez, old men fighting. God I really hope this doesn't involve having to see Ric Flair's naked ass.
Dixie and Bisch backstage. Dixie wants to fire Abyss. Bisch is like "Nooo I can solve it, just give me some time." A bit more persuading from Dixie and he allows he will do something about Abyss.
Ric Flair comes out to lots of woo's. Foley follows shortly thereafter. I wish Flair didn't have to wrestle in trunks. Though I guess he's in pretty good shape for his age.
Second match of the evening starts at 9:44.
Mick Foley is bleeding already. Flair is beating Foley's bloody head into the barrier, roughly six inches away from the fans. No, we're not worried about blood diseases. Foley knocks over the stairs to find a barbwire wrapped bat. Whacks Flair in the head. Bet Flair's bleeding. Yep. This match is going to be a massacre. Flair tries to run away from the ring, but Foley pursues with bat in hand. Now they're spreading blood all over the announce table. Wander over towards the entrance. Flair throws Foley off the thing into a convenient table. Literally throws. Things on the table go flying.
Return from commercial, Flair and Foley back in the ring. During the commercial Flair beat Foley with his book. xD Dirtiest player in the game. Flair goes under the ring for a bag full of... thumbtacks! Hoboy. Good thing Foley is wearing like two layers of clothes. Foley drops Flair back first into the tacks. Now Foley goes under the ring to get a barbwire board. Charges across the ring and rams in into Flair's face. Cause he wasn't already bleeding enough. Back and forth with fists and chops. Foley goes under the ring again and grabs a table, throws it in the ring. Sets it up and goes to get Flair, but Flair stops him with a low blow. Flair takes advantage to lay Foley on the table, then goes back for the barbwire board and hits him in the face. Flair goes to the turnbuckle and leaps onto Foley. Table breaks. Both men out. Flair tries to stand up but faceplants into the tacks.
The bell rings, Foley is declared the winner after 14 minutes. Flair is covered in blood. Tries to walk away but Foley gets the mic and calls him back. Says he forgot something, they have a deal. "Now get back in this ring. You're gonna kiss my ass."
I don't know how I feel about this. Flair limps back towards the ring, sloooowllly climbs in. Woah what's this. Oh, Fortune. Fortune runs in from the audience and starts beating the shit out of Foley. Somebody rings the bell, because that always works. EV2 runs out from backstage with weaponry. Flair says "THAT WAS KISSING YOUR ASS."
Backstage with Bisch. Man on a mission. EV2 goes backstage, Bisch heads for the ring. Quick recap of the beginning with Abyss and Dixie, in case we forgot. Bisch surveys the damage left behind by Flair and Foley. Calls out Abyss.
Commercial. TNA has been on for an hour. There has been less than twenty minutes of actual wrestling. I think we forgot what the point was. We have ReACTION now, let THAT be about the talking. The actual IMPACT should be for wrestling. Seriously.
Back to Bisch in the ring waiting for Abyss. RVD comes out instead. RVD says he MUST wrestle Abyss at BFG or they lose the "whole effin' show".
Cut to out front a recent house show with Rhino and Tommy Dreamer chillin' with the fans waiting in line.
ERIC. IT'S ERIC YOUNG. I don't even care right now that he's tagging with Orlando Jordan. Or they're playing with balls. IT'S ERIC F***ING YOUNG ON MY TV.
Ink Inc is in the ring. Matching red and black mohawks. Eric and Jordan come out. Eric Young's a f***ing ginger, holy crap. Jordan and Eric have matchingish ring gear, black and gold. Show them in a match from Xplosion. Why does Xplosion get the awesome matches.
I cannot even focus, I'm sorry. I love Eric. Okay. Jordan and Neal in the ring. Taz called Ink Inc/Jesse Neal a pack of hemorrhoids again. I'm so sorry I cannot focus on this match. I'm trying for you guys, I really am. Orlando is rubbing his crotch in Jesse's face. Eric runs in but Orlando gestures him back to the apron. Shanmo in the ring now. Shan has control. Moonsault of the turnbuckle, but no go. Shit I didn't time this match. Orlando tries to cheat -- feets on the rope -- but Eric points it out to the ref. Orlando gets the pin another way and then Eric spears the ref. ERIC ON THE MIC. He is a card-carrying member of the tag team coalition, says he and Orlando would like to forfeit the match. I have no idea what Eric's talking about. I think he made a rematch at BFG. I'm good with that. For the record the match wasn't very long, maybe about five or so minutes.
Random Jay Lethal interview at home. Reminiscing about his childhood. Another commercial. Back to focusing. I will have to watch that match again.
Back to the show. Dixie and RVD talking about BFG. Dixie says after BFG, no matter what, Abyss is out. Bisch hands her a paper saying Abyss is gone 12:01 AM on the 11th. Dixie says RVD has to win at any cost.
Oh shit, I hear club music. This must be Shore. Oh my Christ. Seriously? Yeah, it's exactly what you think it is. Snooki-lookin' chick and a Situation-lookin' dude. I think Tenay said their names were Robbie and Cookie? They're in the ring, maybe they'll introduce themselves. Lots of booing. Robbie E and Cookie, yeah. It might be spelled differently, but in any case. Yeah. "You suck" chant. Robbie says there are no hot girls in Florida. Oh my god this is the most obnoxious thing I have ever seen/heard. THEY ARE USING TERMS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. WHAT ARE GRENADES AND GORILLAS? I SPEAK SMART PERSON, NOT GUIDO.
Now the crowd is chanting "BORING". Good. Please, TNA, LISTEN TO YOUR CROWD. The ooontz club music comes back on, they dance in the ring.
Cut to... random vid package of various wrestlers talking about BFG.
Oh, now it's time for the Battle Royal. First is Anderson. Next is Angle. Bell rings at 10:43. The crowd doesn't even look into this match. Angle and Anderson barely start fighting when Jeff strides out. Modest to the top.
Angle and Anderson gang up on Hardy. Now AJ comes out! And of course we have to take a commercial break. Figures. At least he's in the main event this week.
We come back from a commercial to see pretty much a brawl. Tommy Dreamer, one of the GenMe boys, Douglas Williams, Sabu, and Chris Sabin. Jay Lethal is added to the mix. Jeff Jarrett. Pope. I don't think anyone has been eliminated yet. Sabin's trying to throw out Hardy, but it's not working. Next is... Bobby Roode. Sting.
Back to the show. The other GenMe kid, Kaz, Stevie Richards and Raven have been added. Abyss is added. Lethal, Douglas and Stevie Richards are now out. Sabin is out. Raven is out. Sting is out. Nash is added. Matt Morgan is added. Matt Morgan and Nash are about to get into it. JOE IS ADDED. Morgan and Nash are now out, eliminated by Abyss. James Storm is added. Both GenMe kids are out, but Shelley is in! GOOOORE RHINO IS IN.
Rhino is out. That was fast. Abyss eliminates Jarrett. Pope is out. Quick change to ReAction. Aw, Shelley is out. Joe is out, are you kidding me? -_________- Bobby ALMOST eliminates James but he hangs on. Shove each other. And then they hug it out. Abyss eliminates Bobby followed shortly by James. AJ hits a nice Pele kick on Abyss. Tommy Dreamer is out. Abyss eliminates AJ. Good lord.
All that's left is Jeff, Angle, Anderson and Abyss. Jeff swantons Angle. But Abyss throws out Jeff. RVD comes out...? Yep, there's RVD. Flying kick at Abyss's head, goes down. Flying leap at Abyss, goes out but takes Abyss with him. Now all that's left is... Angle and Anderson. Isn't that how we started? How about that. I kind of hate Battle Royals, because they're tagged as like "IT'S A 30 PERSON BRAWL ANYONE COULD WIN" but it's never "anyone" it's always... you know... Kurt Angle.
Kurt Angle won. He says he's gonna give the money to charity, that's very sweet. I know it's not even real money but it's the thought that counts. Oh, match ended at 11:11. Ish. So that was like... 20 minutes, not counting commercials? I should sit here with a stopwatch sometime. But then we'd all be sad to see how LITTLE wrestling there is on this show.
Backstage with Flair -- with two huge bandages on his forehead -- and Fortune. Says he's not talking to anyone, getting in a big limo with booze and women and going to Daytona Beach. Classy. Flair won't talk about Foley, he's talking about Daytona Beach. "I can spend a hundred grand walking to the restroom!"
James has the best beard in the business. Kaz says EV2 has done nothing but kiss Dixie's ass. Flair said he would kiss Dixie's ass. Obscene tongue gestures. Still classy. Flair keeps talking about partying. I would party with any and every one of these guys, minus Flair himself.
Commercial. I can feel my attention span waning already. I just watched like an hour and a half of talking. I don't want to watch anymore. They need to work on their proportions of talking and wrestling.
Now we're talking to Mickie. I love her. Woah screen went dark for a second. Back to Taz and Tenay, who are talking about Mickie. Whoops. Screwed up that interview. Back to Mickie. Welcome to live TV. Good thing we can't hear the interviewer. I like how the camera occasionally drops down to check out her boobs. Yep, they're still there.
Interviewing Anderson about the Battle Royal. He's grumpy, he doesn't want to talk about it. Says Kurt should buy himself some integrity with that money.
Backstage with Foley and EV2, asking him about Flair. Their microphones don't seem to be working on this show. Foley compared his match to Christmas. Fortune peed in the eggnog... metaphorically speaking. xD AJ apparently hurt Dreamer's wrist, he's got ice on it and it looks lumpy. Tommy is not concerned. Raven: "I like to chop other people's legs off to make me feel taller." Well that's... creepy. I like that he called BFG XXX though. (X= Roman numeral for 10, so Raven tells us.)
Foley says he'll settle the score with Flair at BFG.
Another commercial. Ho hum. The only thing on this show I really like is the Player of the Week.
Back to the show to visit Hulk in the hospital and his new electronic doohickey. Showing the surgery. Wonder if that's actually him, actually the surgery? I do hope he gets better, I just... don't want him on my TNA.
Taz, I'm tired of your mouth. I had to listen to you for the past two hours, I'm seriously so freaking tired of the sound of your voice.
Interview with Kurt about the Battle Royal. He's happy. It feels good to be Kurt Angle. Why is he referring to himself in the third person? Jesse Neal shows up and... tattles to Kurt about Anderson? Well geez. That's really nice. Kurt is watching Anderson's interview from earlier. Looks like he's going to go kick some ass and take some names.
OH FOR THE LOVE OF. NO MORE COMMERCIALS.
Back. Kurt's a man on a mission. He finds Anderson in the locker room. Loud arguments. Anderson accuses Angle of cheap shots, Angle says it was an accident. Then they agree to save it for BFG. Anderson calls Angle a dick. More arguing. This is moderately interesting. Anderson says he will see Angle at BFG for the very last time and then throws his water in his face. Fistfight. OK attention waning again. With a few kicks too the stomach Angle leaves with "I'll see you at Bound For Glory, asshole." Anderson mutters "He wants an asshole? I'll give him as asshole. Oh, my nuts."
No player of the week. I am disappoint.