Starting out on an "awesome" note. I'm so tired of Weiner jokes though, for serious, we need to let that go.
Stone Cold pwning Miz. This is almost as good as a match. Almost. You know Miz is a twelve-year-old fanboy right now. He's tryin'a look all mean and grumpy, but inside you know he's going "OHHH MYY GOOOOOD I'M IN THE RING WITH STONECOLDSTEVEAUSTINOHMYGOD"
Suddenly... a wild Alberto Del Rio appears. In a sexy car. (It's super effective...)
I should've been timing this to see how much time we're going to go through before we get some actual wrestling. I don't understand wrestling shows. It's a *wrestling* show, not a *talk* show. It's not Monday Night TALK, or Friday Night TALK, or NONSTOP TALKING IMPACT or whatever the frig.
Though... Steve Austin. Could be worse.
Match 1: Del Rio vs. Kane
Pacing seems kinda slow. Kane can do better. Del Rio can probably do better too. I have to start timing these things. Del Rio gets DQ'd for not releasing the submission on Kane's arm.
Big Show moves his shit down the ring like woeh, beats the crap out of Del Rio's announcer Rodriguez, Kane tries to stop him. I think this is the first time I've seen them as like tag team partners. I could get behind that.
During the break Rodriguez is stretchered out. (Is that a verb? Can I verb that?)
Match Two: Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan and Big Zeke vs. Cody Rhodes, Teddy DiBiase and Wade Barrett.
Let me just state straight away that Sin Cara is one of my new favorite additions to the WWE. I do think he's rather reminiscent of Rey Mysterio ten years ago, but is that any reason to hate on him? No, he's awesome. And he wears a mask with little Batman ears on it. Do you hate Batman? Of course you don't.
Anywho... I feel like this match should be better than it is so far, especially with Daniel Bryan in it.
Winner: Sin Cara by pin in roughly three minutes and forty-five seconds. Really? That was it? 3:45 of Daniel Bryan and Sin Cara? Lame. In a lame bowl, covered in lamesauce.
SWOGGLE!! I love that goddamned leprechaun. I'm glad he's gone back to not being peroxide-blond.
R-Truth comes out here to ruin my Swoggle!Love. Shoot him with the t-shirt gun, Swoggle. YES! SUCCESS!
Though I have to admit Truth is pretty successful as a heel, I mean... I don't like him very much. And that's the point, right? So... there's that. Beating up the little guy is always a good way to get heat too. I guess. Poor Swoggle.
JOMO. JOOOOMOOOOO. I thought he was injured? Is he back? IS HE BACK?!
We come back from commercial to see match three, Sheamus vs Santino
Really? Former champion in a squash match with Santino? For shame. Fairly decent energy but nothing special.
Winner: Sheamus by Submission in 2:30 (according to televised time).
I'm still having trouble accepting Orton's beard. (Sorry, this is new to me.) As is his face-ness. And interacting-with-the-fans-ness. Weird. And he's smiling. Oh my god. This is some weird alternate universe, right? This must be the same alternate universe in which John Cena is heel, but I guess that hasn't crossed over to this one yet.
Orton is so good on the mic. At least he's still threatening to injure people in the skull. And Christian a heel. Weird. Weird weird weird.
Okay, I'm bored. I love me some Orton, even with the beard and the face-turn, he's awfully nice to look at, but there needs to be more wrestling. At least Christian is going to the ring. Maybe that'll be exciting.
Nope, no such luck. Sends out security. We get an email from the Raw General Manager. Who says Orton can't compete because getting whacked in the
head skull with the belt gives you a concussion. Sure. That's less absurd than Cody's facemask thing.
Match... what are we up to? Four? Match Four: Rey Mystero vs. Christian
Christian totally misses the setup for the 619, lol. Wrestling makes me giggle. All these matches have had like a snail's pace. Maybe I've been spoiled by like ROH and when TNA was good and the Guns vs ANYBODY when you didn't even want to BLINK...
Rey wins via DQ in 2:16 when Christian refuses to drop the submission. SIGH. Twice in one show. You know what I miss? Clean wins. Though the match is apparently still going. Unofficially. And then CM Punk shows up and gets landed on. Members of... New Nexus? Rushes to his aid. Rey attempts to land the 619 again on Christian, but is caught by that big muscly guy, Mason Ryan... Christian throws the Killswitch on Rey's writhing body. Cue theme.
Meh. Action, but... pointless action.
I can't believe all the weight Vicki has lost. Good for her. Looks like she's wearing a sack though. You can do better than that. I like Dolph with the shorter hair though. Looks much nicer.
Match Five: R-Truth vs. John Morrison... if he gets out here? Missed your cue, Johnny. Pay attention! Live TV!
Ope, no, he's backstage writhing in the ground in agony. I thought it was too soon for John to come back from injury.
Actual Match Five: Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger vs Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne.Oh god they really ARE having a feud. Life is grand.
Kofi always brings the energy. Oh damn,, Kofi caught Swagger in the jaw. That looked nasty. But now Bourne, I love him. He's so energetic and I think he has a lot of great moves and I'm glad to see him getting some ringtime in which he is NOT getting relentlessly squashed.
Winner: Evan Bourne with the Shooting Star Press in 3:06. (After some unnoticed interference from Kofi.)
Now it's time for Piper's Pit... more talking. I like Roddy Piper. EVERYBODY likes Roddy Piper but we're a little more than halfway into this and there's been roughly fifteen minutes of actual wrestling, at best. I think this is why I stopped watching WWE. Miz and Roddy talk shit... now here comes A-Ry... more shit is talked... Stone Cold pops in to make a match for Roddy vs The Miz with special referee A-Ry.
Match Six: Miz vs Roddy Piper
Way to go Hot Rod for still having it. Miz takes after A-Ry and Roddy sneaks up for the pin in less than a minute. I guess that's all Roddy has. I don't mean that. That's not very nice. Should I even count that as an actual match? I guess it... kind of was. Miz looks awfully nice though.
Match Seven: Ginormous token Diva match thing. Boobs.
Woah, that's Rosa Mendes? Hooooollllyyy. Love the darker hair. Ope, now it's a brawl.
Winner: Kelly Kelly/Face Team in 1:22. Oh and now what the Divas are REALLY there for... DANCING! *jazz hands* Because Vince McMahon takes his Women's division seriously. *sigh*
I like how Cole is scared of Steve Austin, that's pretty lulzy. Everything is better with Stone Cold is involved. "This is from the RAW GM... the anonymous one."
Another three hour show are you f***ing kidding me? This one is DRAAAGGGGINNNNG.
AND HE POURS BEER ON THE LAPTOP. OH STEVE AUSTIN... you make me want a beer. Seriously, who throws him the beer? Can I have that job? I want that job so bad. Somebody has that job.
Main Event/Match Eight: CM Punk vs John Cena. Please don't suck.
I want to see if Cena will throw his shirt to that girl with the sign that says it's her birthday. I kind of hope he does, that'd be pretty awesome. Awww he didn't Cena. I'm disappoint. So is that poor girl.
Okay, actual match time. What is with this show and holds? Can I not get some actual goddamned wrestling? If I wanted to watch sweaty men grab each other and roll around, I'd watch MMA. Or porn.
Oh here we go, there's... a little bit of action.
WHY IS THIS MATCH ALMOST ENTIRELY HOLDS. Can't anybody do anything else anymore?
Ouch, Punk took a hard landing on that knee.
Oh what the hell. Why is R-Truth in here right now. This was almost an okay match. Truth is gonna make this kid cry.
Winner: CM Punk with a shocking clean pin, more or less, though Cena was distracted by Punk in... 11 minutes and eight seconds.
R-Truth beats up the defeated Cena, steals the belt, yadda yadda yadda...
So, in three hours of wrestling... well. allowing for commercials, let's say two and a half hours of TV time, there was... roughly a half hour. One third of which was the final match. That equals ten minutes of actual wrestling per every hour of televised WWE. Awesome.