So, you remember when I said before Turning Point, if Robbie E won the X-Div, I'd quit watching TNA? Well... I quit watching TNA. The only TNA I've seen in the past month was the Guns/GenMe spot on ReAction. You all know what I'm talking about.
TNA was kind enough to email me the card, so let's look at that and see what's going on.
#1 contender's match for the tag titles: Beer Money vs. Ink Inc
This has the potential to be okay. Beer Money and Ink Inc have very different in-ring styles, but I think it could bring out the best in both teams. Since BMI and Guns already had their best of five series (and was quite enjoyable, thank you) I hope Ink Inc pulls out the win so we can see how they do against the Guns. It'll probably be too short though and BMI will probably cheat for the win.
X-Div Match, Robbie E vs Jay Lethal, with Cookie suspended over the ring in a shark cage.
...What? Ignoring the whole Cookie aspect of this equation for the time being, this exact match happened at Turning Point. And it wasn't that good. Robbie is not over. Robbie is not going to be over. You cannot pull a Vince McMahon on us and just push him until he becomes over. It does not work that way. We're too smart for that crap. Not to mention, WE STILL REMEMBER WHAT THE X-DIVISION USED TO BE. You can't push this rip-off Jersey Shore gimmick at us when we all have DVDs where the X-Div had matches like AJ vs Joe. This is an embarrassment to what TNA used to be. And don't even talk to me about Cookie being in a cage. WHY is this necessary? Unless we're going to throw things at her, or whack her with a stick like a piñata until glitter and chlamydia comes out. Robbie E will probably win and we will just shake our heads in disdain.
TV Title Match: AJ Styles vs Douglas Williams
So I've heard that Dougie has left Fortune and is having a bit of a go-round with AJ. I think this could be a really good match, AJ and Doug are both phenomenal wrestlers with their own styles. This match has the potential to be really good, quite possibly one of the best matches and easily making up for the X-Div. However, I imagine there will be some kind of interference and AJ will retain. Though if Doug wins, I'd be okay with that too.
Falls Count Anywhere Match: Tara vs Mickie James
FLASHBACK. Didn't we already have this match? Like, at the last PPV? You mean we're still on about this? There's nothing else going on in the women's division that we have to have essentially the same match two PPVs in a row? You're telling me there's no other Knockouts we could use? Sarita, Taylor Wilde, Hamada, Daffney? WHERE ARE ALL THESE WOMEN. WHY CAN I NOT BE WATCHING THEM INSTEAD. I don't care about this match, I already saw it. Well, I would have if I actually watched the damn PPV.
Full Metal Mayhem: MMG vs GenMe for the Tag Titles
You know, as I was typing this, I just had this horrible premonition that GenMe is going to win the titles. But we'll come back to that. First of all, I don't know what a Full Metal Mayhem match entails (my brain keeps insisting it has something to do with alchemy, damn you Fullmetal Alchemist, you're throwing me off here) but it has the Guns in it, so it's bound to be awesome. Again, the only TNA I've seen recently is their spot on ReAction, where it appears my boys are heeling it up a bit, which I approve of fully. I would be okay with them dropping the belts to those little dorks if it meant a heel turn. This match is probably going to be the best match of the night, because that's just how MMG rolls.
First Blood Match: RVD vs Rhino (GORE)
And here we have our standard POINTLESS BLOODY MATCH, because in TNA, BLOOD EQUALS AWESOME. No, you guys, it really doesn't. I mean, it can, but if you do it all the time, it kind of loses its appeal, if it had any in the first place, and becomes yawn, somebody is bleeding again. I'm assuming that RVD is still working his bad pot paranoia angle. I've also heard that Rhino is on his way out, so I'm also assuming RVD will win this match and Rhino will bleed all over the damn ring. Little to no interest in this match.
Casket Match: Abyss vs The Pope
Smack me if I'm wrong, but didn't they already do this match on TNA once recently? And how many different ways can you do up a casket match? Why should I pay for it if I've already seen it? And why do we care? WHO CARES ABOUT THIS FEUD, PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND.
Submission Match: Samoa Joe vs Jeff Jarrett
FLASHBAAAACK. This matchup also occured at Turning Point! Do we still care? I don't! But on the other hand, it's Joe, so it should be moderately okay. Plus, it's a damn submission match. Joe has submission right there in his damn name. They don't call him the Samoan Submission Machine for nothing, am I right? So if he doesn't win, I'll just... be sad. It'll probably be too short and Jarrett will probably cheat. And maybe hit somebody in the head with a guitar. Oh no wait they banned headshots. Never mind. In that case, something about JJ's MMA angle... thing. Which I also don't understand. I like how TNA is trying to push things other than wrestling that are "cool". "Hey guys, look, MMA! MMA's real in right now! Oh, and Jersey Shore! Jersey Shore is HUGE! Check us out, we're so hip!" No you guys, we just want to see some wrestling. But I digress.
World Heavyweight Championship: Jeff Hardy vs Matt Morgan
ANOTHER FLASHBACK. God knows I love Matt Morgan about a thousand times more than I love coke-addled Jeff Hardy. But considering they just made a new belt (at the rumored cost of $18,000, seriously TNA, let's just PISS our money away, why don't you.) I highly doubt Mr. Hardy will drop it anytime soon, unless he ends up going to jail for drug trafficking, which I still almost kind of hope he does. This match will probably go on way too long, Jeff will refer to himself as the Anti-Christ of Wrestling at least six times throughout the course of the night and pull a TWIST OF HATE on MM for the win.
Other thoughts: Quick, how many matches in this PPV were also in the last PPV? Five! Five matches! Out of nine! That is greater than fifty percent. This PPV is over fifty percent IDENTICAL TO THE PREVIOUS PPV.
Just remember, the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and over again, and expecting different results.
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